Hello Friends and Family! I wanted to write to you during the holidays to wish you the best holiday season, and I wanted to share a few tips that may help you experience all the JOY of this time of year! So often we have high hopes for the holidays, and sometimes our hopes and dreams come true, while other times the holidays may come and go, and we can wish we had done a few things differently. To set you up for success this holiday season, I wanted to help you get mindful and intentional about how you enter into this Season and give a few pointers that could help make your spirit BRIGHT!

Set a Pace

Okay All of you over-functioner’s out there: be careful with how many events and activities that you put on your schedule. It can sound exciting to accept all the invitations, but feeling rushed and overly stressed can rob the joy of the holiday season. Our nervous systems really cannot internalize joy if we are running around in our stress response. If you get an invitation that you need to decline for sanity sake, you can still enhance the connection by genuinely expressing how much you appreciate the invitation and care about them while making a plan to see them after the holidays
Capacity is truly what you can do: still stay emotionally connected to yourself, not just that you can physically show up. (Also if you have to drink or use food or other issues to cope, it is a sign that you are past your capacity and that can be a form of self-neglect. It can be a familiar feeling, but that feeling is not going to lead you to a healthy life and can create bigger health problems to come.)

2. Set Boundaries

Setting boundaries is important in relationships: Boundaries tell people how we need to be treated and how we do not want to be treated, which is actually a kind thing to do, and it is relationship enhancing. If the person likes us and wants to be around us, giving them a roadmap about how we operate is a helpful way to connect more deeply, and it is intimacy enhancing. Now, I know if you are raised in the South, this is not necessarily the way we were raised to behave, but it really is ok and healthy
Remember, saying NO is actually a complete sentence: Usually when we set a boundary, it is also how we plan to treat the other person as well. Having the courage and speaking up can help others tell us their needs and preferences too, making enjoyable interactions more likely. Even if you set a boundary and the other person does not know immediately what to say or do, that’s ok, you did not do anything wrong, so do not backtrack or try to immediately “fix” it.

We all live in systems, and when we change, others have to change too: It can just take a moment for the other person to readjust. If this moment of pause or uncertainty creates fears of not being liked or being left out or abandoned, that is a sign of deeper attachment struggles that are deeper seated and do not have to do with this current relationship (unless there is a sorted relationship history with this person in particular which is a bigger talk; )

Sign of anxious attachment: When we do not do what we think is perfect, and then we fear being left or abandoned, it can be good to think about where that comes from and remind yourself, that is not happening now. This can be a sign of anxious attachment which is a great thing to work on in therapy. If the person disagrees with you, it can actually be relationship enhancing- rupture and repair increase intimacy and connection in a relationship; Because it shows the person that you are willing to have a harder conversation showing your commitment to them. If you have relationships that constantly rupture, that can be another issue ; ) So when we set boundaries or start to say no kindly, keep going through the discomfort.

You are creating a new muscle, and just like any muscle it takes practice: Feeling uncomfortable when we are overcontrolled is actually a sign that we are doing it “right”, so embrace the discomfort and pat yourself on the back- you’re changing unhealthy habits. Congratulations for doing the hard part in the short term to heal in the long term.

3. Create Mindful Intentions

Being mindful during a busy season can sound counter-intuitive; however, it is possible AND powerful. Having a value-centric holiday season is possible and important. The more that we set aside a little time to tune into what we really want and truly attend to that desire, we can make our lives feel more satisfying. Only WE know our truest desires. Until we express our desires to others, no one else can truly know what we want or need, so if we do not pay attention to what we want and don’t want, then no one else can. This is an inside job.

Try to be non-judgmental about your desires and needs as well. If you need solitude in order to recharge to enjoy the holiday, then set that intention.

For example, when we go to that party where our long lost friend will be, we need to make a mindful intention to seek them out early to ensure that we have the time with them that we need. As we know, if we don’t set that intention, the time and opportunity to connect can vanish in a busy environment leaving us disappointed or less connected.

Empower yourself, and set your mindful intention before events in order to get the most out of your holiday.

What is YOUR holiday bucket list? What do you need to do this season that if not done could make you feel disappointed? Little or big, put that as an intention just like you would for anyone else. A saying with a friend of mine and their family used to be “everybody gets to do a little something they want” which I think set the stage for everyone, including the kids, that parent’s needs are important too. They knew it was someone else’s turn and honored living in a community.

If you hear this and prickle, and cannot imagine doing this for yourself, that is important information. We can help you find ways to honor yourself too- remember our kids may be watching and creating the way to be for themselves- that kicks me hard sometimes. Where did we learn, we could not take up space? Our needs aren’t as important? Or a “good” fill in the blank….mother, daughter, son, father, etc would do this- martyr much? : )

Permission for joy and enjoyment is your right. Shame resilience is all an important part of this conversation as well. If you feel bad or ashamed if you want to do something for yourself or that you are not putting yourself last, you want to evaluate where this is coming from.

Would you want anyone you love to feel like that?

Shame is the hidden saboteur of many things that we need and want, so try to notice if it is coming up and create shame resilience mantras or ways to have compassion for the part of you that is neglected and/or judged. Pleasure and joy are our birthright, how can we reclaim some of that?

4. Express your love and gratitude

So often we feel things that we do not express and we assume that people know how we feel. During the holidays, we usually see more people than usual, and we have the opportunity to connect more deeply. Making a concerted effort to say how we feel about those we choose to Holiday with, can help warm up an already wonderful experience.

Expressing love and gratitude is good for the giver and receiver, and it helps focus on the positive aspects of life. We literally release different neurotransmitters when we focus on gratitude.

There are so many ways to enjoy the holiday season, and I hope that a few of these struck a chord with you. It would give me more joy to know that this helped you savor this sweet season.

Dietician’s Corner by WholeHeart’s Allison Sykora, RD

The holidays are a time to gather with loved ones, enjoy family traditions, and make memories with those around us. If you or someone close to you are struggling with an eating disorder or disordered eating, the holidays can be an especially tough time. Rather than making food the main focus, allow it to act as a support, while placing the central focus on other festivities going on. Whether it’s watching a family favorite movie, building a snowman or looking at holiday decorations, remember to stay centered around the true meaning of the holidays. Here are a couple of fun holiday recipes to try if you need some new ideas for this year.